9 Years Later

 I happen to stumbled upon this blog again. 

Wow. It has been years. The last entry was 2015, and it is now 2024.  NINE YEARS. 

I am sitting here on my kitchen island typing away in our new house in Phoenix. And my oh my how time flies. I now have 2 boys. Aged 3 and 5 years old. Between surgical residency, being a mom, being a surgeon, being an adult ...... time has just flown by. 

How do I even summarize 9 years in a paragraph? 

Here is my family. As you can see, both my husband and I have aged quite a bit. Perhaps it is the 2 clingy monkeys draining our life force. Perhaps the demands of our jobs have caught up with us quite a bit. Perhaps we look like how mid thirties look. Newly formed crows feet at the corner of our eyes, eye bags the size of an olive, thankfully no grey hairs yet. Haha! Hair and eyebrow maintenance are now a once a year ordeal. Nails are a rare treat. How has life changed. 

In all things considered, life is quite good. I'm still married (yay 10 years strong). My kids are alive and healthy. I keep in touch with my parents and sister. And we somehow all moved cross country to Phoenix after spending 11 years in Boston with our belongings and sanity intact. And yes I seem to have developed a very pessimist outlook in life. I am now at the age where I look at 20+ year olds and get envious of their collagen level, yet feel a sense of relief I am over that developmental period of uncertainty in career, life and family. So in a way, I am grateful. I have little regrets. And we'll see where the next few years brings. 

Stay tuned (for an update in another 9 years? or maybe not? who knows). 

The comfort of not being home

The longer you spend your time overseas, the harder it is to make the move home. This saying is so true. The day I set foot on the jet plane, I left with a heavy heart. I made countless promises that I will be back, I swore that no matter how long I've been away, I will return.

Fast forward 2 years from then, I landed a job, I was promised a bright future in a country that is merit-based and does not discriminate, even against non-citizens. My decision to return home wavered, but there was still a sense of pull to return.

I compared kids growing up in Malaysia and kids growing up in the States. Malaysia's education system is deteriorating rapidly, safety is a big concern out in the street, the future of the country seems very bleak. But there is hope. There is culture and morals that its citizens upheld tightly over the years. There could be a possible change.

Today, Malaysia is in dire need of change. The brain drain situation worsens with every generation. Sadly I find myself standing on the comfortable side of the fence, praying for a better future. I want to be in the fight, I want to spill blood and get dirty, but the game has to be fair. There is no point marching into a lion's den with no weapons. We need to educate our young, and harness our strength overseas,  to find a prime opportunity to return, and bring our beloved country back to its glory.

When the day comes, hopefully it is too late for me to return.

Undecided

I get asked if I would like to go home to work after I'm done with training. A lot. And my answer always sounds like "yes of course, but . . . . . ."

Everyone tries to flock away from Malaysia. For better job opportunities and better technological advancements. But I noticed a trend of my school mates recently returning home, for good. I can't help but feel the same. Home is home. And no where else in the world can be as unique as Malaysia can be. However, there is still a "but . . . ." at the end of the sentence. It would mean taking a huge pay cut, giving up the comfort and convenience of life for a uptight inefficient infrastructure, being discriminated against by the government, putting up with inefficiency and laziness, and killing any opportunity for climbing the ladder. It has to be that worth it to go home. 

Why does it need to be like that? Why does it need to be so hard just to go home? Why make all these sacrifices when they ultimate won't be acknowledged by the government. Such is the dilemma of millions of Malaysians all around the world. At that is why many still choose to stay abroad. 

A late start to a new year.

First of all, happy 2015.

I am really not into penning down thoughts and experiences through blogs anymore, simply because my job is sucking out all the time and life from me, but then I realize that if I stop writing, there will come a point in my life where I may actually forget. So one post a year is a must, and since it is a new year, lets start with things I am thankful for in 2014.


1) Spending time with family

Year 2014 was actually the longest time I spent in Malaysia. I went home in February for 2 weeks, and then in October again for 2 weeks. Although it technically counts 2 separate years (since the change in my academic year happens in June), to me it still felt like I was home a lot and that felt really nice.

One of the biggest challenges of moving to the States was being far away from home, away from family and friends. Although it has been almost 5 years since my move, I still yearn for that sweaty weather, midnight mamak-trips and mommy cooking everyday. Year 2014 was very nice because not only I was home a lot, mom actually followed me back to the States and stayed for 2-3 months with me each time.

2) Welcoming a new pet

I really wanted to own a dog all along. I love dogs, grew up with a dog, and have heard many wonderful tales of how a dog changes your life (it is true!). However, I never really trusted my capabilities of actually being able to care for another life full time, and that had made me pushed aside that urge of buying a puppy for many years.

Until this year. I was never really into dog-buying mode until a colleague at work bought a puppy. I felt really excited for her and I wanted to see all her puppy pictures. And then I made the mistake (or maybe it is not a mistake) of asking for her breeder's address. I wanted it so bad. And I know I was being extremely rash! So I seeked for guidance and advice in my then fiancé, knowing that the responsibility of a puppy will very much be his as well. We fought for a long time that day. Partially because he was making sense and I wasn't. He knew that with both our schedules we will not be able to care for a dog. He did not want to pledge a promise to me to share the responsibility when he know he won't be able to commit. I guess I really wanted the puppy and knowing that I may not be able to handle a dog, I wanted someone who could help me with it.

I made an extremely rash decision, out of fury, to visit the breeder. It was the best decision ever (not to say best decisions come out of fury, but I got lucky this one time - you get what I mean). And once you see cute puppies, you can't walk away. And my fiancé was swayed as well. And we came home with a puppy. As you all know by now, her name is Eva.

We got really lucky. Eva is not like any other puppy. She is mild tempered, and not very destructive. On top of that, she is absolutely adorable. So adorable that the walker we hired offered to spent extra time with her for no charge because he is in love with her too. She has brought endless of joy to me and my husband, and made us train to be better parents in the future.


3) New job responsibilities

I don't like sharing work stories on social platforms, because I find it difficult to draw the line on what you can share and what you can't, so I simply don't. Many people ask me how is my job, and get very surprised by what I do for a living. You see, I don't have a regular 9-5 job, nor do I work at a desk. On the spectrum of jobs, I think mine falls into the exotic/exhilarating/unique end. When I finished medical school, we had to apply for training positions in fields we want to go into, and those were "residency programs".

I remember opening my letter offering me a spot, I was happy beyond words. Then I started first day of work 2 and a half years ago, and signed up for the most amazing experience any resident can get. I was constantly learning, constantly being challenged and also, constantly working. At times, I feel extremely drained, and yearn for more time off, more relaxation. But being extremely stubborn and overly ambitious sometimes, the word "quit" was not something I could embrace. As a result of that, in weary times, I become grumpy, snappy and start making mistakes.

Through all of these, I've learned many things.
1. Never stop asking questions
2. Teach others
3. Never be afraid to admit mistakes
4. Keep reading

I am grateful for the this training opportunity, and also can't wait to graduate!

4) Getting married

I never believed in finding "the one". I think dating and marriage is like playing a game of musical chairs. People end up marrying who they happen to date when they approach the age of marriage, and in some way, fate plays a part in that. I didn't think I will marry my husband, not when we started dating 6 and half years ago. That path seemed way to distant. However, we've both been through a lot together. And as the years flew by, we find ourselves clinging to each other more as our environment changes. He was my rock and my anchor, someone I feel comfortable and familiar as we moved across the world, and embrace adult life. In some ways, I think he feels the same too. It is difficult when families are far away, and being in a foreign country.

I can't see myself spending my life with anyone else. We have grown out of the initial infatuation and romantic love phase, and have transition into the phase of mutual respect, shared responsibilities, and learning to grow into adults with stability.

5) Lifelong friends

One thing I am extremely grateful for, being far from home, is the family I have in the States. Family away from home. No matter how far each of us move away from each other, we still come together for big holidays, and keep in touch. And these are the people I will do anything for them, and know that they will do the same.

6) Having a balanced life

Lastly, I have to be very thankful that I have been very lucky thus far in my life. I have an amazing job, supportive family, reliable friends, a loving spouse and in good health mentally and physically. I hope year 2015 will bring greater success in my career, and many more great memories and moments shared with my friends and family.

Here is a toast, to starting the new year with a blast!

Happy 2015!

Inconsiderate drivers

There are many levels of inconsideration when it comes to driving.

1) Slow-Mo's in the fast lane.
These are the ones I despite the most. They are the ones who has all the leisure in the world to drive at 40mph in a 65mph highway. Sure, you want to be safe. and sure, you are not in a hurry. This is why roads are built with several lanes, and your job is to move to the slow lane if you do not intend to move at the highway's speed limit. And please keep your middle finger to yourself when several cars overtake you in the slow lane, because that should be a hint that you are causing an obstruction.

2) The Gap Builder.
I honestly don't see the purpose of leaving a giant gap in front of you in a traffic jam (excusable if it is in a flowing traffic). Perhaps you prefer a view of 20 feet of tar road before another vehicle. If there is a jam, you freaking close the gap in front of you to the next vehicle, because guess what, if all 20 cars in front of you decide to leave a 20 feet gap in between vehicles, you will be backed up to Timbuktu.

3) The Honkers.
Honestly, honking in a traffic doesn't make your vehicle move any faster, unless you have a built in propeller that gets activated with 10 honks and will lift your car in air. It makes other drivers more frustrated, and it makes the entire atmosphere worse.

4) The Sudden Brakers
In a flowing free way, there should not be an excuse to hit the brakes for no reason. Let me revise the way a brake works with you. You see an object in front of you, you brake. You see an exit you want to take, you brake. If you are moving, and there is noone in front of you, please do not suddenly brake. (I am not sure if this behavior is an American thing or not, because I rarely see it back home)

6) The Overly Scary-Cat
It is okay to turn corners or cut into a lane with vehicles on them. You do not need to wait until there are zero cars on the road before you do so. It in fact becomes more dangerous the longer you wait because your blinking signal in front of me may just induce a seizure in me and I will get down and scratch your car.

7) The Hopeless
Admit it, some people are just not meant to be on the road. They pose a danger to themselves and to others.

I get very angry on the road, most of the time. Some people think their cars will be dissolved in rain if they move too fast, and drive 20 mph. Word of advice. If you cannot drive faster than the car behind you in the fast lane (and you are not over the speed limit), give way.

Happy Birthday to Me

Time flies. Can't believe I'm already 27 years old. 3 more years from the big three-O. Birthday these days are not really about celebrating anymore. It always fall on a working day, and my birthday this year, I'm working on nights, and was gifted with 8 consults from the ED on top of 5-6 trauma's running at the same time. But I did get the weekend before my birthday off, and I decided to use it to do activities that I really really miss doing, such as dancing (haven't danced in 3 years) and sailing (haven't sailed in 8 years).

And so, I attended a K-pop dance class, and mastered the moves to SNSD's mister mister. It was fun, and I'm glad to know that albeit being a little rusty, I still got it. The class was filled with a lot of college kids, all drooling over some cute korean actor who is 5 years younger than me, or having fantasies of flying to korea to catch some concert tour. I remember when I use to be like that. Not realizing how the real world is and only wanting to marry a certain taiwanese singer. It is really quite funny to see the young'ing do that and reminiscing the old days.

The next day, I went to a sailing centre and signed up for sailing (much to my parent's despair because they were concern that I will turn charcoal black again and be ugly in my wedding pictures). I initially thought that I needed to spent hours after hours going through all 4 basic courses again to get tested and certified, but they put my on a fast track and I did ok and passed all 4 courses at a go. Even rigged up a laser and sailed it and pass! Such a good feeling.

It is so nice to self-treat myself sometimes. Learning to let go, and be independent and just enjoy what life throws at you.

Expensive hobby

I have a sin I need to confess.

Instead of buying yet another dozen dresses, this year's memorial day I decided to splurge on something that cannot be itemized.

Yes. I paid a hefty amount (equivalent to 8 dresses) to pick up an old hobby.

Now. Earlier this year, I thought I could go into zumba. Paid 50 bucks for 15 lessons and ended up only attended 2. What a waste. I wonder if this will be the same. Except this time, the price is 6 times more.

My weekend plans for the next 8 weeks are pretty much set. You can find me by the Charles river. Doing what I used to do, and doing what I love best. Sailing.

Adios!

Dong Chiang Dong Chiang

It has been 3 years since I last celebrated chinese new year. To be honest, since my grandmothers passed away, CNY has never been much of a celebratory event. My aunts and cousins all have their own celebration, and my poor parents just have a simple dinner with my mom's brother, and call it a day.

CNY is suppose to be the festival where families reunite, very much like Thanksgiving and Christmas here in the US. Alas this year, I will be able to celebrate the last 5 days of CNY in Msia.

Last year's CNY was a disaster. I was initially planning to visit Philly, but snowstorm blizzard Nemo decided to hit, canceling all trains and planes out of Boston, leaving me stranded along in Boston. In desperate attempt to have a reunion, I ended up visiting Daniel, a high school friend of more than 15 years, which actually turned out to be much fun.

This year, CNY eve I was on call in the hospital, but on CNY day 1, I was blessed with a reunion with my sister. We then had a pretty unique CNY day 2 activity together.

We went skiing! It was very fun. My sister is such a fast learner that she was able to go to the peak and ski down by the end of the day. And I improved too, was able to go down a blue slope and didn't fall at all. 

CNY Day 2, we had a proper reunion meal, Jap BBQ lunch (since we were all sick of steamboat, or as the Americans call it, Hotpot). 

I am very thankful for the friends I have in Boston. They are like family to me. It is really quite amazing for Malaysians to meet half way across the world from home. 

We also walked around before it was time for my sis to catch her flight home (much to my dismay). We found a frozen lake. And we were brave enough to try stand on it to take a picture. 

Have to thank my lucky stars that the surface didn't crack and swallow all of us into the frozen water.

 We also found a frozen river. And after one step onto the ice to test water, the ice gave way, and so we stood on the deck instead for a picture.

Today is CNY day 5. And pretty soon I'll be leaving for home. I am missing my family, missing my sister, missing my fiancé (who is back home - jealous max!). Really wish my whole family can reunite for CNY again as a whole, and that my sister is following me home.

Happy Chinese Horse Year!