Closure

It has been a while since I pen thoughts down in this page. Many a times I browse through it, often reading the good times I had back in the old days, but when it comes to actually sitting down to write, I simply do not have the time. The small light bulb that popped up in the middle of work simply disappears by the time I get home.

Today, a small gnawing thought popped up at the back of my head. And it is something I simply could not shed. It disappears momentarily through out the years, but it never really disappear. Although it doesn't really bother me, it makes me wonder why I always think about it. Therefore I think the matter needs some closure, and perhaps writing it down may help slightly.

Years fly by so quickly. It is now Jan 2014, and it seems like just weeks ago I took the leap of faith and hopped onto the airplane to fly half way across the world. I remember the sobs of tears exchanged. If you sit down and do actual math, it is actually 3 and half years ago. THREE and half YEARS AGO. How did time fly by so fast?

Before I left, I had many friends. Some closer than others, some not so close. What I realize is that over the years, people change. And I changed too. I realize I started becoming more private. Started treasuring friendships that were genuine, starting thinking of my future. I somehow ended up keeping in touch with people that I have never really hung out in school, simply because they made it a point to keep in touch with me, and we suddenly discover that we share a million things alike. Amidst my busy schedule, I never really got around to contacting anyone. But somehow, random messages from small conversations turn into routine chartings. And those who I was really close with, cut me out of their lives.

Life in America had been kind to me.  Got me good grades, got me a good residency, and all along I had a companion, a best friend, a supporter, a cheerleader, and now a fiancé. It has also been a soul searching journey where I realize what kind of person I am when outside of the warm comfort of my home. Yet among all good (and bad) things that happen to me, I made a promise to myself, to never let anyone who cares for me down. I loved, I cared, and I whole heartedly reach out to those individuals who we once shared something unique together. My efforts were occasionally reciprocated, and to those who did, we stayed best of friends. But to those who didn't, its time to put a stop to the futile effort. This is it, this is the much needed end of those good moments we no longer share. A full stop, my much needed closure.

I'm glad I turn out okay. I'm glad I have the drive and motivation to pursue what I really like instead of crumble into a pile of dust amidst all adversities. Till today I still surprise myself when I wake up at 430am to pinch myself in the cheek checking if I am really going to work under a surgical residency (both unbelieving that I have to work so early, and unbelieving that I AM in a surgical residency).

Good times, bad times, they all come somehow. We all just need to make use of the best of it. I laughed, I cried, and I do crumble into a pile of dust, but more often than not I have many extending hands reaching out to pull me out of it. I have no resolutions this year, but I have one for the many years to come. I want to have no regrets.

In need of a makeover

I can't believe it has been almost close to 9 months since I embarked on this century long journey. Being a general surgery resident definitely requires a lot of prioritizing and sacrifices. Close to 90 hours a week is being drained into sustaining this job, leaving very little left for everything else. Time is gold, time is also priceless. I've cut back 2 hours of sleep each day to have extra time for other things. No time for hair cuts, no time for nails or eyebrows. Instead the extra few hours is much better off spending time with friends, with companionship, because those relationships are precious.

This job has made it easier in the mornings to get ready and get rolling. The truth is, I stop caring about how I look anymore. Extra 10 minutes of sleep in the morning is crucial to my overall well being throughout the day. Throw on a pair of scrubs, splash some water on my face and I'm good to go. Naked face, messy pony tailed hair, un-ironed scrubs. People at my work place don't judge by looks, instead, what defines a good resident is the efficiency at paper and floor work, clinical judgement and technical skills. Nobody cares who wears eyeliner and who doesn't.

I've got black roots sticking out from the messy hair dyeing self-attempt in dire need of a redo. I've got uneven nails and a whole closet of unworn new dresses. The only accessory I carry around are my wacky contact lense - coloured eyes. Its been a while. It has been a while.

I don't know how some people do it. I would like to learn. How to look gorgeous and fresh, and roll out of bed at 4am in the morning to achieve that. It is a feat to me. I rather look ugly and get another 15 minutes of sleep.

One thing I take pride of in myself : Keeping in touch with many old good friends, and being able to adapt to disasters. Why such a random statement with a huge CNY picture on top? It is because my CNY turned out to be pretty okay after all.

Sure, I missed having my "tuan yuan fan" dinner with my close buddies in Philly. And sure there was that annoying so called blizzard of the century. And yes there were many moments I felt absolutely hopeless and wallowed in my own sorrow of being alone, trapped in a apartment with hurling blizzardy snow storm outside. But at the end of the day, I did have a good time.

After kicking around and blaming the weather and bad luck for the whole of Friday and Saturday, I actually called my high school friend of 11 years who happens to be studying in Rhode Island to check and see if he was okay from the storm. He did invite me over so I don't have to be miserable and lonely on CNY eve. When all the trains to Philly were definitely cancelled on Sat, I drove down to his place, and have Bak Kut Teh dinner with his Msian friends. We gambled, and played with my XBox Kinect. Not a bad night after all.

Next day we had breakfast, and bad my good bye and many thanks for his gracious hospitality, and headed to Quincy for a mandatory CNY morning Buddhist Temple visit. I had to park my car 5 blocks away, and walk in slushy snow, trying not to curse the weather on the way there. Said my prayers, and donated money. It was actually bright and sunny out today.

Then drove to Natick Mall and did some shopping with Christine, who manage to dig her car and herself out of her house (which by the way was buried in 3 feet of snow), bought a dress from Zara for only 20 bucks, and a new wallet. Then watched Taken 2 at my place.

Its 9.30pm now, and I'm exhausted. But I felt like it was a good CNY day after all. Did a lot of things. Met people. And although I do miss those Philly folks a million times to infitiniy, there really is nothing I can do when mother nature hits. Will try to make a trip down if my next golden weekend permits. Hopefully it won't blizzard again.

I am actually very thankful to have such wonderful parents, and sister at home, who were "on call" to my whiny-ness the whole time. The multiple skype sessions did help me feel like I was at home, and had company. CNY is all about family after all. And also Zhi Ven who was although enjoying himself so much in Philly I didnt feel bad at all calling him 100 times a day to whine about the weather, he did pick up my phone everytime and listen to me whine.

Happy Snakey Chinese New Year to everyone.

Winter Storm Nemo

Blizzard of the century huh?

And it has to happen the year I move here, on CNY weekend, after my BF have left for Philly, leaving me stranded in a Blizzard celebrating CNY alone. 

My life couldn't get any better this time. 

It has been a bad week. Work isn't going too great. Taxes are pilling up. Another speeding ticket. Visa application. And now stuck in a blizzard alone on CNY weekend. 

I have learn many things about myself this year. 

No.1 I don't handle stress very well. 

No.2 I like to speed on highways. 

No.3 I hate being alone. 

And right now I'm in a puddle of emotions. Those ferocious winds outside with barely a half mile visibility is terrifying, and I'm home alone. For possibly the entire weekend I fought so hard to have it off. Now its going to a waste.

More exams coming. Deadlines approaching. I really am trying hard to find positivity in it all. 

My life can't be that miserable right? But why can't I see the light. I need a wake up call. Someone to knock me in the head and remind me again why I choose to be several thousand miles away from home, alone and stuck in a state with terrible weather. 

Reminiscence

The year 2012 was definitely a turmoil of emotions, experiences and discoveries. It was a year that propelled me into being an adult, both with its ups and downs of being a grown independent women. Lets take a look back into the past.

- Started the year with family on their first visit to the States.

- Watched my first NBA game.

- Watched Wicked for the first time.

- Travelled around the northeast for job interviews. (got both anxious, sad, anxious and sad again with each interview)

- Interviewed more!

- Spend CNY a bunch of lovely Malaysians

- Submitted my residency rank list (and panicked, and cried, and was overly anxious)
- Visited Europe for the first time.

- Was incubated in a room with 200 other medical students all about to go on a crazy rampage.
- Matched! (oh dear thank god) and match in the same state as my bf
- Went home for 2 months. (best part of year 2012 so far) Ate till I grew fat
- Graduated. (added two extra alphabets to my name).

- Packed and moved 7 hours away.
- Started being an intern.
- Felt absolutely miserable at first. (far from home, first time living along, long work hours, demanding job, demanding seniors).
- Coped
- Met the biggest lobster in my life

- Still felt miserable.
- Coped better
- Owned my first car in the states.
- Drove in the snowstorm for the first time.

- Discovered an ability I never knew I had (being able to stay awake for 36 hours consecutively)
- Discovered another ability (being able to survive on 4-5 hours of sleep a day)
- Visited close friends.

- Met high school friends. 

- Had palpitations when Sister was taking Step 1. 

- Had another bout of palpitations when her results were out. 

- Celebrated my first Xmas without my family. 

- Celebrated New year with my best friends in the world! 

Welcome year 2013. 

The season of giving indeed

With the holiday season round the corner you would think people will try to stay away from the hospital as much as possible. Wrong. In fact for some reason more people are being admitted, so much so that my hospital had to go on "beds overflow" status for 2 days and urge all teams to discharge as many patients as possible. Perhaps it's the over-eating causing more gall bladders and appendix to flare up. Or the holiday parties causing more drunk uninhibited individuals to do silly things to injure themselves. Or the homeless who wants a sense of belonging this holiday season.

Well I'll be working both Christmas Eve and christmas night, which isn't that big a deal to me since I'm not Christian I don't routinely celebrate christmas. But it is the first christmas in 25 years of my life that I am away from family. And the first christmas that we don't have a family Xmas tree picture together (my sister did photoshop one with my hands on her boobs and posted it on FB).

Nonetheless, I had an enjoyable Xmas gift exchanging celebrations with my residency program, and got a lil hamster as a Xmas gift.

Fatigue

I often wonder many times during the day or nights throughout this 4 mths of residency if it is even possible to be so exhausted and survive for 5 years like this. I guess I'll just have to try it out and see the end point for myself.

On a brighter note, a timely start to a week of vacation.

Do I miss home? . . . . . . Every single day.

In Med school I count down to the days I will be graduating, or going home. Vacays are still a possibility.

Now I count down to . . . . God knows when my next trip home will be. It is really a sad reality. But I do miss home very much. Very very much.